Some Traits Men Adore In Women

download (8)Women are unique beings. They make life worth living and add colour to their environment. Have you ever thought of a world without these beautifully endowed creatures? I wouldn’t want to imagine it because I know it will be one very boring and torturous experience.

Just like their names, faces, shape and finger prints are different so are their traits, worth, value, dreams, desires and goals. Some are very enthusiastic about life, relationships, careers etc while others don’t care a hoot about such issues. In any case, each group has men who doff their hats for them.

However, the majority of men seek for women who are embellished with the following traits.

Patience: Patience is a virtue not a vice. It is the ability to endure delay or provocation without getting upset. It is also the capacity to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. A woman that is patient exudes strength in the face of delay, anger, exasperation etc. She can tolerate delays knowing they are not denials; she is diligent, and composed. She is not easily irritated; like love she endures all things, bears all

Those Feelings of Hurt Don’t Lie

images (11)“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou (1928-2014)

THERE are two things I’ve learned about relationships.

The first is that people appreciate you appreciating them. The second is if you don’t appreciate them you do have another chance: through apology.

These two things I’ve learned hinge on the Maya Angelou wisdom; people’s memories can be woefully non-existent, but when it comes to how we as people experience emotion, we’ve got memories like elephants. The latent muscle memory of feelings is so potent that it doesn’t matter how much time goes past; a bad experience is rarely ‘forgotten’ and traumatic experiences are etched deep in the soul.

Feelings are palpable, and if we think we’ll get away with our nonchalant dealing with people we’re sorely mistaken. They won’t forget, just as we don’t forget. We may know that our Bibles tell us to forgive, and we do wrestle with what we feel, but it won’t change how we feel.

This is why apologies are so crucial.

The power in

It’s Because of Me That I Feel Alone So Much

images (10)SOCIAL media has helped me to find a way into a lonely and dejected place.

As I look at the connections I don’t have, and even as I criticise myself for the people I’ve unfriended, because I never heard from them, I find myself lonely. Then there’s the friends I don’t have; those I’ve never been friends with; those I don’t know (but wish I did). I find myself lonely. I find myself ostracised by myself. And even though many of the people I look at have never rejected me, I find myself rejected by them, because I’m susceptible to rejection.

Now Facebook is not the problem. Hear me. Facebook is not the problem. I am. But that’s not even the end of the story. It alludes to a great beginning.

You see I’ve always been susceptible to rejection. Always. In meeting Jesus, and in meeting myself, and in accepting myself as a broken man in great need of God, I have come face to face with a woeful reality – I am an awfully insecure man without him; but I’m unashamedly broken and confidently fallible

Relationships: Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Rescue Others?

download (7)While one can give people a helping hand from time to time, they can also try to do everything for them. When this happens, other people may not see them as someone who is there to give them support from time to time; they can see them as someone who is responsible for their life.

Their Outlook

As a result of this, it could mean that they see one as more like a caregiver as opposed to a friend or a lover, for instance. It could be said that it would be strange for someone to see another person in this way and yet at the same time, it could be seen as something that is perfectly normal.

For if one was to do things for others that they should be doing themselves, they are going to be behaving more like a caregiver than a friend or a lover, for instance. And although other people could appreciate what they do for them; there could be others who don’t.


If someone was in a position where another person did practically everything for them, they could find that

Relationships: Can Rescuing Others Stop Someone From Experiencing Intimacy?

download (6)When one feels comfortable with their own feelings, it will give them the ability to open up to others. In fact, it could be said that it will be normal for this to take place, and this is going to mean that their relationships are likely to be far more fulfilling than they would be if this wasn’t the case.

This is not to say that they will open up to everyone they know, as they are likely to realise that this is not something that will always be appropriate. While there will be people who will be able to hear what they have to say; there will be others who won’t.

For Example

Another way of looking at this would be say that just because one feels comfortable in their own house; it doesn’t mean that they will have anyone inside. They will know that it is important for them to look after their own property.

If one was to simply let anyone inside, it would be the same as them opening up to someone without seeing if it is safe for them to do

When You Reach for Help, Are You Loving or Abandoning Yourself?

images (9)Dorothy asked an important question:

“What is the difference between turning to someone and handing my little girl over to them?”

The difference is in your intent.

Loving Yourself

When your intent is to be loving to yourself, but you are stuck and you need help, you are being a loving adult when you reach out for help. You are not asking someone to do it for you – you are asking them to help you and do it with you. You are not asking them to be your loving adult – you are asking them to be a second loving adult along with you as a loving adult.

There are many times in life when we cannot manage a situation alone, or when we need help in understanding what to do for ourselves. The loving adult is not stuck in the false belief that we have to do everything ourselves. Just as when you are physically ill and you reach for professional help, or you have a legal problem and you reach to an attorney for help, the loving adult reaches for help emotionally and spiritually when

Relationships: Why Do Some People End Up With People Who Are Not As Developed?

images (8)When two people get together they often find that they each bring something different to the relationship. So while one person might be really good at something; the other person might not have the same ability.

But this doesn’t mean that this will apply to everything, as there is a strong chance that the other person will be able to do something that they can’t do. In this sense, it could be said that each of them is adding something to the other person’s life.

One Level

On one hand, this could mean that one person is a really good chef, or they might know how to repair a car, for instance. The other person might know how to help people to lose weight and to gain their ideal physique, or they might know how to produce videos, for instance.

As a result of this, each person will be bringing something different to the table; however, this doesn’t mean that one person is any more developed than the other. The only thing it shows is that they both have different interests in life.


In today’s world there

Relationships: Why Do Some People Leave A Relationship When The Other Person Grows?

images (7)There are a number of reasons why one would want to be in a relationship with someone, and while they might be aware of these reasons, there is also the chance that they won’t be. At the same time, they might be aware of one of the reasons why they want to be with someone else.

In Touch

When one is aware of why they want to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are in touch with themselves. Not only are they going to know why they want to be with someone; they are also going to have the ability to tell others why this is.

And because they know why, it might be easier for them to find someone who wants the same thing as they do. As a result of this, there is the chance that their relationship will be far more fulfilling.

Out of Touch

If, on the other hand, one just feels the need to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are out of touch with themselves. Not only are they not going to know

Choosing to Make Someone’s Day Because You Can

images (5)It should be no surprise to any of us how powerful little kindnesses are in encouraging people having a hard day.

Imagine living in this paradox: life is tough, yet you resolve to throw off the consciousness of your very present hardship, just enough, to give someone a beautiful smile; to that person who just cut you off in traffic.

Or, in being encouraged, you take the time to tell that person… “thank you, do you know how much [the little thing they did] meant? Do you know how inspiring that is to me? Thank you!”

And it’s your genuineness that wins their scepticism over and gets them to trust that you really do want to encourage them for their encouraging you. They experience a very special encounter with another human being.

There’s power in the little things. God is in the little things. The eternal realm is in the little things. And joy, hope, peace, love, and much virtue is in the little things.

Resolving to do the little things you can, to do them well, to do them with pleasure, and to do them because you

The Fear of Being Excluded

download (5)Many of us grew up experiencing, in one way or another, the pain of being excluded. Perhaps you felt excluded at home – by parents or siblings, or with friendships at school or outside of school. As a child, being excluded is deeply crushing. Children don’t have the ability to not take things personally, so being excluded likely contributes to our shame and insecurity.

Gretchen asked me for advice about her fear of exclusion and rejection:

“I have a fear of being excluded which goes back to my days in junior high school where I was part of a group of three friends. Two of us would be friends while excluding the third. This dynamic would rotate around the three of us frequently. My painful memories are of those times when I was the one who was left out and called names. I think the exclusion of the third person is what united and bonded the other two friends. To this day I am fearful of being excluded and so easily feel left out even in benign situations. It is also mixed with a heavy

Forgiveness When a Relationship Is a One-Way Street

images (4)FORGIVENESS never seemed a struggle for me until I found myself in a situation where wrong had been done to me and there was absolutely no burden felt by the other side. And to give you an indication of how much I’d been blessed by God in the extension of forgiving grace, I’d forgiven a major marital infidelity in my first marriage.

Having attended the ‘church of AA’ at the time, I was skilfully coached through the blessings of journeying with my responsibility and not my blame. Still, to have a partner of over a decade move you out so they could establish a relationship with a new partner, and to reach a place of real forgiveness and understanding in less than nine months, that was God’s blessed grace – a miracle I have no power of explanation for. Though it wavered for a time, I never lost respect for nor the friendship of this first spouse. And, to that end, I thought forgiveness was easy.

But for some issues forgiveness is not easy – and it can seem impossible.


Henri Nouwen, Carl Rogers, and the Love of Personal Concern

download (4)PERSONAL concern is something we all need; to receive, but also to give. But what is meant on the subject of personal concern?

These two quotes by pastor Nouwen (1932 – 1996) and counsellor Rogers (1902 – 1987) help frame the discussion:

If there is any posture that disturbs a suffering man or woman, it is aloofness… (Nouwen)

… what is most personal and unique in each of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. (Rogers)

Nobody who hasn’t traversed the grating journey of grief can lead a suffering person through their abyss, through touchstones of comfort, to their eventual adjustment and acceptance of a new normal. There will be those who will disagree with that statement, but it’s the wounded healer who’s best positioned to heal the wounded in Jesus’ name. That’s in essence what the Nouwen quote refers to; personal concern is something that enables the mourner to mourn in a way that approaches truth, accepts reality, and heals in time.


Whoever the other person is. It doesn’t matter

Icebergs, Mirages and Crucial Conversations

download (3)ONE thing I’ve come to notice more and more in the science of human beings interacting is the amount of data and information not communicated – whether it be through miscommunication, disinterest on the part of the receiver, distrust on the part of communicator, etc.

There’s literally an iceberg effect in the science of communication – most of what should be communicated, isn’t. It flies under the radar, and it becomes fuel for conflict later on. The iceberg effect should be obvious, but in case you don’t know, most of the iceberg is under the waterline – we can’t see it.

In the case of communication, if most of the information isn’t communicated, or it isn’t communicated with clarity, then miscommunication happens, and then does conflict, and certainly intimacy suffers.

One key issue is what’s not communicated is open to a broad expanse of interpretation.


When trust prevails,
What’s to be said is said,
When trust fails,
What’s unsaid is misread.

Trust facilitates courage in that we’ll check what needs to be clarified so what’s to be said is actually said. There’s little left open to

Relationships: Do Some Women’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Hate Men?

download (2)While someone could say that they hate a certain type of food, for instance, they can also say that they hate the opposite gender. It one could relate to the first example (or if they hated something similar), it is unlikely to have much of an effect on their life.

However, if they were in a position where they hated the opposite gender, it is likely to have a greater effect on their life. And this is because although they will be able to avoid a certain type of food; it is highly unlikely that they will be able to avoid the opposite sex.

Two Sides

On one side, there are men who hate women, and on the other side, there are women who hate men. When a woman hates men she will be described as a misandrist, and when a man hates women he will be described as misogynist.

But while a different word is used in each case, there is the chance that people will be more familiar with the word that is used when a man hates women. In fact, there are likely

Relationships: Do People Who Rescue Others Experience Inner Conflict?

images (3)While someone can have moments where they take care of their own needs and the needs of others, they can also experience life differently. What this means, is that they can be in a position where they only focus on their own needs or on other people’s needs.


Life is about give and take and so if one only operates from one side of the spectrum, they are going to be out of balance. But if one has experienced life in this way for quite some time, they might not even realise this.

It could just be how life is and there is then going to be no reason for them to do anything about it. This is not to say that one will be pleased with how their life is; what it means is that it will be what is normal.


If one only thinks about themselves, they are going to end up having people around them who are also out of balance. This could be because they have people in their life who ignore their own needs and focus on other people’s needs.


Relationships: Why Do Some People Think They Are Superior To Men/Women?

images (2)When one thinks about the opposite gender, they may start to think about some of the men/women that they know. Through doing this, they could reflect on what they are like and the kind of qualities they they bring to the world.

One could then see that there are things that they can do that someone else can’t do, or it could be the other way around. Along with this, one may find that some of these people have similar qualities to them.


But regardless of whether this is the case; they could still find that they respect these people. As a result, one is not going to see themselves as being in competition with the people they know of the opposite gender.

And while some of these people could be their family members; there are others who could be their friends and colleagues, for instance. This is not to say that they will have this outlook when it comes to every man/woman they know.

Part of Life

It could be said that this is to be expected, and this is because it is not going to

What Type of Relationship Do You Have?

download (1)Relationships are more than what we want but they are what we need to be our happiest selves. Unfortunately, they don’t come automatically. Most of us have in our minds what a “good” relationship looks like and we choose partners that fit into that mindset. We’ve all seen couples who seem mismatched, while others appear as if they were meant to be. The following are the top 10 different types of relationships:

The On/Off Couple

First on our list of the top 10 different types of relationships is the on/off couple. This is the couple that gets into a fight at Noon and are back in love by lunchtime. It’s a tug of war with every topic of discussion. Each wants to be right and the solution to a problem is to break up. But they realize they don’t want to be apart, so in no time they are together again.

The Motivational Couple

It’s always good to have that person that encourages you no matter what. This couple finds a way to pump each other up, regardless if it’s getting out of bed in the morning

When Someone Believes That All Men/Women Are The Same, Is It Because They Lack Self-Awareness?

images (1)While there are people who are able to see that not all men/women are the same, there are also people who are unable to do so. In their eyes, every member of the opposite gender is going to be the same.

The First Side

If someone was to ask a person in the first group to prove to them that not all men/women are the same, they could tell them about the experiences they have had. Along with this, they could also ask them what they think about the outlook that the people have in the second group.

During this time, they could say that they find it hard to believe how anyone could actually believe that all men/women are the same. One thing they might say is that perhaps they have a sheltered life.

The Second Side

On the other hand, if they were to ask someone who belongs to the second group to do the same thing, they could also talk about the experiences they have had. And once again, they could be asked what they think of the outlook that the people have in

The Aftermath of a Relationship With a Narcissist

imagesHave you been in a relationship with a narcissist? Many people are very vulnerable to getting into a relationship with a narcissist because narcissists often know how to temporarily – at the beginning of the relationship – give you the love and attention you have yearned for your whole life. These relationships are often intense, compelling, alive, passionate – and confusing. And there is often much turmoil when they end.

Andra asked me for help with the aftermath of her relationship:

“I ended a relationship a month ago that was short but intense. I was shocked by his reaction and what he has subsequently done, and I happened to find that article you wrote about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and to my dismay all but one of your listings describe him and us almost exactly. I have tried to get over it by telling myself that the relationship wasn’t sustainable anyway and better that I got out of involvement with an NPD, but I still feel hurt and in pain about it that leaves me unable to focus on the things I need to do in

Relationships: Do Some Websites Condition People To Believe That All Men/Women Are The Same?

downloadIn today’s world, it is incredible easy for someone to learn about something, and this is largely due to the internet. The only thing they need in order to access all the information they could ever need is to have some kind of device.

Once they are online, one can go straight to a website or they can use a search engine. The approach one takes is likely to depend on whether they know where to find what they are looking for.

Two Options

If one knows what website can assist them with their question, there is going to be no need for them to use a search engine. Whereas if one is not aware of what site they can use, it will be normal for them to use a search engine.

However, one could also end up reaching out to a friend and they could give one a certain website to use. And while they may ask them because they trust their judgement; it could also come down to the fact that they are well-informed.


This could be a time where one is looking for information about