Women are unique beings. They make life worth living and add colour to their environment. Have you ever thought of a world without these beautifully endowed creatures? I wouldn’t want to imagine it because I know it will be one very boring and torturous experience.
Just like their names, faces, shape and finger prints are different so are their traits, worth, value, dreams, desires and goals. Some are very enthusiastic about life, relationships, careers etc while others don’t care a hoot about such issues. In any case, each group has men who doff their hats for them.
However, the majority of men seek for women who are embellished with the following traits.
Patience: Patience is a virtue not a vice. It is the ability to endure delay or provocation without getting upset. It is also the capacity to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties. A woman that is patient exudes strength in the face of delay, anger, exasperation etc. She can tolerate delays knowing they are not denials; she is diligent, and composed. She is not easily irritated; like love she endures all things, bears all
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou (1928-2014)
THERE are two things I’ve learned about relationships.
The first is that people appreciate you appreciating them. The second is if you don’t appreciate them you do have another chance: through apology.
These two things I’ve learned hinge on the Maya Angelou wisdom; people’s memories can be woefully non-existent, but when it comes to how we as people experience emotion, we’ve got memories like elephants. The latent muscle memory of feelings is so potent that it doesn’t matter how much time goes past; a bad experience is rarely ‘forgotten’ and traumatic experiences are etched deep in the soul.
Feelings are palpable, and if we think we’ll get away with our nonchalant dealing with people we’re sorely mistaken. They won’t forget, just as we don’t forget. We may know that our Bibles tell us to forgive, and we do wrestle with what we feel, but it won’t change how we feel.
This is why apologies are so crucial.
The power in
SOCIAL media has helped me to find a way into a lonely and dejected place.
As I look at the connections I don’t have, and even as I criticise myself for the people I’ve unfriended, because I never heard from them, I find myself lonely. Then there’s the friends I don’t have; those I’ve never been friends with; those I don’t know (but wish I did). I find myself lonely. I find myself ostracised by myself. And even though many of the people I look at have never rejected me, I find myself rejected by them, because I’m susceptible to rejection.
Now Facebook is not the problem. Hear me. Facebook is not the problem. I am. But that’s not even the end of the story. It alludes to a great beginning.
You see I’ve always been susceptible to rejection. Always. In meeting Jesus, and in meeting myself, and in accepting myself as a broken man in great need of God, I have come face to face with a woeful reality – I am an awfully insecure man without him; but I’m unashamedly broken and confidently fallible
Dorothy asked an important question:
“What is the difference between turning to someone and handing my little girl over to them?”
The difference is in your intent.
When your intent is to be loving to yourself, but you are stuck and you need help, you are being a loving adult when you reach out for help. You are not asking someone to do it for you – you are asking them to help you and do it with you. You are not asking them to be your loving adult – you are asking them to be a second loving adult along with you as a loving adult.
There are many times in life when we cannot manage a situation alone, or when we need help in understanding what to do for ourselves. The loving adult is not stuck in the false belief that we have to do everything ourselves. Just as when you are physically ill and you reach for professional help, or you have a legal problem and you reach to an attorney for help, the loving adult reaches for help emotionally and spiritually when
It should be no surprise to any of us how powerful little kindnesses are in encouraging people having a hard day.
Imagine living in this paradox: life is tough, yet you resolve to throw off the consciousness of your very present hardship, just enough, to give someone a beautiful smile; to that person who just cut you off in traffic.
Or, in being encouraged, you take the time to tell that person… “thank you, do you know how much [the little thing they did] meant? Do you know how inspiring that is to me? Thank you!”
And it’s your genuineness that wins their scepticism over and gets them to trust that you really do want to encourage them for their encouraging you. They experience a very special encounter with another human being.
There’s power in the little things. God is in the little things. The eternal realm is in the little things. And joy, hope, peace, love, and much virtue is in the little things.
Resolving to do the little things you can, to do them well, to do them with pleasure, and to do them because you
Many of us grew up experiencing, in one way or another, the pain of being excluded. Perhaps you felt excluded at home – by parents or siblings, or with friendships at school or outside of school. As a child, being excluded is deeply crushing. Children don’t have the ability to not take things personally, so being excluded likely contributes to our shame and insecurity.
Gretchen asked me for advice about her fear of exclusion and rejection:
“I have a fear of being excluded which goes back to my days in junior high school where I was part of a group of three friends. Two of us would be friends while excluding the third. This dynamic would rotate around the three of us frequently. My painful memories are of those times when I was the one who was left out and called names. I think the exclusion of the third person is what united and bonded the other two friends. To this day I am fearful of being excluded and so easily feel left out even in benign situations. It is also mixed with a heavy
FORGIVENESS never seemed a struggle for me until I found myself in a situation where wrong had been done to me and there was absolutely no burden felt by the other side. And to give you an indication of how much I’d been blessed by God in the extension of forgiving grace, I’d forgiven a major marital infidelity in my first marriage.
Having attended the ‘church of AA’ at the time, I was skilfully coached through the blessings of journeying with my responsibility and not my blame. Still, to have a partner of over a decade move you out so they could establish a relationship with a new partner, and to reach a place of real forgiveness and understanding in less than nine months, that was God’s blessed grace – a miracle I have no power of explanation for. Though it wavered for a time, I never lost respect for nor the friendship of this first spouse. And, to that end, I thought forgiveness was easy.
But for some issues forgiveness is not easy – and it can seem impossible.
FORGIVING SOMEONE WHO SHARES NO BURDEN
PERSONAL concern is something we all need; to receive, but also to give. But what is meant on the subject of personal concern?
These two quotes by pastor Nouwen (1932 – 1996) and counsellor Rogers (1902 – 1987) help frame the discussion:
If there is any posture that disturbs a suffering man or woman, it is aloofness… (Nouwen)
… what is most personal and unique in each of us is probably the very element which would, if it were shared or expressed, speak most deeply to others. (Rogers)
Nobody who hasn’t traversed the grating journey of grief can lead a suffering person through their abyss, through touchstones of comfort, to their eventual adjustment and acceptance of a new normal. There will be those who will disagree with that statement, but it’s the wounded healer who’s best positioned to heal the wounded in Jesus’ name. That’s in essence what the Nouwen quote refers to; personal concern is something that enables the mourner to mourn in a way that approaches truth, accepts reality, and heals in time.
BE VESTED INTO THE OTHER PERSON
Whoever the other person is. It doesn’t matter
ONE thing I’ve come to notice more and more in the science of human beings interacting is the amount of data and information not communicated – whether it be through miscommunication, disinterest on the part of the receiver, distrust on the part of communicator, etc.
There’s literally an iceberg effect in the science of communication – most of what should be communicated, isn’t. It flies under the radar, and it becomes fuel for conflict later on. The iceberg effect should be obvious, but in case you don’t know, most of the iceberg is under the waterline – we can’t see it.
In the case of communication, if most of the information isn’t communicated, or it isn’t communicated with clarity, then miscommunication happens, and then does conflict, and certainly intimacy suffers.
One key issue is what’s not communicated is open to a broad expanse of interpretation.
TRUST FACILITATES UNDERSTANDING
When trust prevails,
What’s to be said is said,
When trust fails,
What’s unsaid is misread.
Trust facilitates courage in that we’ll check what needs to be clarified so what’s to be said is actually said. There’s little left open to
Relationships are more than what we want but they are what we need to be our happiest selves. Unfortunately, they don’t come automatically. Most of us have in our minds what a “good” relationship looks like and we choose partners that fit into that mindset. We’ve all seen couples who seem mismatched, while others appear as if they were meant to be. The following are the top 10 different types of relationships:
The On/Off Couple
First on our list of the top 10 different types of relationships is the on/off couple. This is the couple that gets into a fight at Noon and are back in love by lunchtime. It’s a tug of war with every topic of discussion. Each wants to be right and the solution to a problem is to break up. But they realize they don’t want to be apart, so in no time they are together again.
The Motivational Couple
It’s always good to have that person that encourages you no matter what. This couple finds a way to pump each other up, regardless if it’s getting out of bed in the morning
Have you been in a relationship with a narcissist? Many people are very vulnerable to getting into a relationship with a narcissist because narcissists often know how to temporarily – at the beginning of the relationship – give you the love and attention you have yearned for your whole life. These relationships are often intense, compelling, alive, passionate – and confusing. And there is often much turmoil when they end.
Andra asked me for help with the aftermath of her relationship:
“I ended a relationship a month ago that was short but intense. I was shocked by his reaction and what he has subsequently done, and I happened to find that article you wrote about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and to my dismay all but one of your listings describe him and us almost exactly. I have tried to get over it by telling myself that the relationship wasn’t sustainable anyway and better that I got out of involvement with an NPD, but I still feel hurt and in pain about it that leaves me unable to focus on the things I need to do in